The Beginning

This is a blog for all the mommas who don’t know where to turn. The overwhelmed women sinking in the beauty and difficultly of motherhood.

We were meant to do this right? We are meant to birth this tiny human, nurse them, calm them down, and figure out exactly what each cry means from the start. Oh, and let’s dump on the non stop laundry, cooking, cleaning, vacuuming, messes, pets, husbands, friends, extended family, in-laws, and you want me to have a full time job too?

But we feel like we are meant to do this all. This is what society tells us. And if you fail, if you feel like you’re going to break down, if someone adds one more thing to your heavy plate, you’re not a good mom, you’re not a good wife, daughter or friend. If you have had these thoughts, you are not alone. These are thoughts that constantly run through my head. They are even louder when I get 3 hours of sleep because I’ve been up all night with a teething baby, while my husband gets to sleep alone in the guest bedroom. The sun still hasn’t risen, I hear his snores and my resentment bubbles up. I snap at my toddler for making a regular toddler mess or laughing a little too loud after I finally got the baby to sleep. I feel like the worst mom. I never used to yell at him. This was when it was just the two of us. I could focus all my energy on him. When I was tired I could take a nap when he did. When I was overwhelmed we could snuggle and watch a movie.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom of two. This is what I have always wanted. I always wanted to be a mother. I just didn’t truly realize how hard it got till I was in the middle of all the chaos. Throw in my overbearing family, that “means well.” It has sent me to a full on mental breakdown. I can’t see anything beyond the mess that is my house. I am in a deep depression. I feel like I have failed at the one thing I felt called to do. I have no purpose if I cannot be a good mother.

This absolute breakdown stripped me of everything in my life that was not important and re-focused my mind and energy on what I can control and who I can help. My true purpose. Motherhood. Not all the other things this world throws at us. I had energy to feed my two sons and my dog. My babies always had a clean diaper and clothes on. They were bathed, taken to appointments and taken care of. This was all I could handle. It made me realize this is ALL we are meant to handle. When our children are babies they need a lot from us. Physically and mentally. We are not meant to take on the world, just our world. At the end of this week, when I finally got a few nights of sleep, a shower and some much needed space from my family, I saw clarity for the first time in my life. I am a good mother. My whole world was caving in but I still took good care of my babies. They are happy and healthy. I got my picky eater toddler to eat more food than he had in a long time, and healthy food at that. When he saw me making time to eat and to take care of my physical needs, he was happier and healthier.

So I will end this first blog with this last piece of encouragement. You are a good mother. You are exactly what your babies need. Motherhood is hard. It is not impossible. But we are not meant to carry the burdens of everyone. So keep fighting momma for what you want, happy healthy children. We got this.