Daily Worries
As a mother, maybe just as a woman in general, my mind is constantly thinking about the tasks and lists of things I need to accomplish. Even in the brief moments of me getting to relax, I can’t stop but think of everything I should be doing. I should be cleaning the bathroom, the kitchen, doing some laundry, making some calls, maybe even spending more quality time with the dog, who never gets much of my attention anymore.
When I sit down to watch tv I have this overwhelming guilt. The guilt is so much worse when I try to take a nap. I tell myself; I need this nap or rest. I have been up with the baby all night. Humans need sleep and some relaxation. But I can’t silence the voice in my head telling me all the things I forgot to do. And how their nap time is the only focused time I have during the day.
Ever since I had a baby this voice just keeps getting louder. Am I playing with him enough? Is he learning all he needs to learn? What if I am giving him the wrong foods and he’s going to struggle with his weight when he gets older or have cancer because I gave him the chicken nuggets my husband insisted were “normal kid foods.”
After the second kid, I felt even worse. Am I giving both kids enough equal attention? Do they both feel just as loved or feel like I favor one of them? I’ll be honest some days I just want to hang out with my toddler. I know him better and sometimes it can be easier. He was born on my birthday, so we have the same temperament and I just get how he’s feeling. Other days, I just want to cuddle with my baby all day (especially when my 3 year old is in a “mood”). I feel gypped because I never got to do that with my second baby like I did with my first. Life is a lot faster because my toddler wants to do activities and have friends. He always seems to need something “right now!”
I love both my babies equally. I see how beautifully different they are. I see how similar my oldest is to me and how similar to my husband my baby is. But they are also developing their own personhood. They like different things than we do. They hopefully won’t have to experience the trauma that both of us had. They both are perfectly happy children. They don’t know of any struggles in life (even though my toddler acts like if I ask him to eat anything new, I am trying to poison him).
How simply beautiful it is to be a child. To rely on another person for all your needs and wants to be met. They do not worry about the mess of the house (they created), the state of our world, money, or how you are possibly going to make your marriage better when it is so hard. When my head is spinning, I try to remind myself of what it was like to be a child. What it would be like to have a mother like me, who actually cared about the wellbeing of her kids, over her own expectations. I watch my two boy’s play. I see how care free they are. There is something so freeing in just watching your children play. Seeing what you created and watching them grow into amazing human beings.
With my overthinking mind I have challenged myself to stop paying attention to all the big things that I have no control over. Instead, I shift my focus onto the small things that just are. The birds, the small butterfly, the bees flying from one flower to the next. The ones with such small but important jobs, that can really teach us how to live. They teach us how to stop worrying about things we cannot control and to just enjoy our day to day lives. This is the life we have been given. We can either dread through it or learn to thrive and love each blessing that has been given to us.